As I watched the parade of athletes entering the Olympic stadium, my thoughts began to wander, as they often do, to the current polarization of the political climate, with one side (limited government conservatives and libertarians) who believe in minimal government interference and robust competition in a true free market), and the other side (liberal Democrats, socialists, and the Occupy Wall Street crowd) who believe in a heavy-handed government which uses force and coercion to right the perceived wrongs of the world.
In that context, I began to imagine what the Olympics would look like if our current president, whose actions could lead one to legitimately question whether he has mistaken himself for our emperor, were given complete omnipotence over the Olympic Games. So with that in mind, may I welcome you to the games of the first Obamalympiad:
The Opening Ceremonies would present the athletes of each country not in alphabetical order, but in order for moral superiority, with the "victim" countries first, and the "oppressor" countries coming last (riding in the back of the bus, as Obama might say). Therefore countries like Rwanda and South Africa would go first, and North Korea would bring up the rear. The United States will be in the middle of the pack, edging toward the rear. I admit it is confusing since Obama has spent the last three years apologizing to the world for America's sinful, imperial past, in which we've imposed our will arrogantly on other countries, so we should be dead last, right? True, but that is mitigated by the fact that we used to be the recipient of colonial oppression from Great Britain, so that elevates our victim status slightly.
Many have supposed that Communist China would be last, seeing as how they have a forced abortion policy that has slaughtered millions of their own people, but that is more than offset by the fact that, in doing so, they have instituted population growth policies that reduce the global population and therefore reduce the strain on scarce resources (they also get bonus points for giving aid and support to communist regimes which are allied with "worker" movements).
Instead of concluding with an enormous fireworks display, which would only contribute to global warming, Obama would offer a brief, three hour dissertation on the failures of the American Founding Fathers and the Constitution they crafted, and extol the virtues of the U.N. Charter on Human Rights, and why we need to stop being so obsessed with individualism, and instead focus on the collective.
Likewise, as the competitions start, participation in events, and the rules, will be engineered to create a maximum level of equality among the athletes. For example, in basketball, the world's top players tend to be predominantly black. Their genetically-gifted physiology has made them faster, stronger, and higher jumpers than some of their other competitors. Clearly, such inequity must be addressed. Therefore, for example, When the United States plays a team like the Czech Republic, which is made up of slower, Eastern European white guys, the Czechs will get their full team on the court, but the U.S. will be limited to only four players. When the U.S. plays a team like Japan, whose roster in fully comprised of small Asian men, Japan will play their starters AND their bench at the same time ... against Kobe Bryant and LeBron James.
Admittedly, this can get a bit confusing, and sometimes we have to make use of a complex algorithm to get the match-ups equal. For example, in the sprinting events, who gets the edge if Jamaica's world record holder in the 100M event, Usain Bolt, is paired against Japan's Ryota Yamagata? At first glance, you'd think that some type of accommodation would have to be made for the much smaller Japanese sprinter, who is clearly outmatched by Bolt (maybe let Yamagata start the race at the 60-meter mark?). However, despite the athletic disparity, Japan is a far wealthier nation than Jamaica, so it is actually BOLT that will get to start at the 60-meter mark. After all, Jamaica, being a poorer country, has a superior moral claim to any advantages doled out to correct inequities.
In addition to correcting inequities in the advantages conveyed by national wealth, as well as genetic physical traits, Obama would also create parity between the sexes. He would do this by implementing Title IX of the U.S. Code on an international level. Since men are represented in 28 sports but women in only 25, three of the men's sports would have to be discontinued. Personally, I'd recommend dropping table tennis and badminton, which are games you play at company picnics and not really a sport, along with golf, which is more of a leisurely walk interrupted occasionally by a little white ball. Seriously, can you really call it a sport if John Daly can play it?
Once all of these inequities have been ironed out and we've reached athletic parity, it will be time for the awarding of the medals to the winners. As the triumphant athletes who achieve victory in each sport mount the medal stand, each will be draped with a gold, silver, or bronze medal recognizing their level of achievement. After that is concluded, the medals will be confiscated, and all athletes that competed will be brought up to the stand. There, each will receive their own gold medal, because Obama believes we are all winners just for trying, and we should not discriminate based on actual results. These medals will be about the size of a dime, because when we spread the wealth around through forced redistribution, everybody gets a smaller portion.
Finally, once Obama has handed out a small, gold medal to every participant, he will then confiscate them as well, and will then call up a selection of leaders and government bureaucrats from each represented country and will bestow the medals upon them. Granted, this may cause outrage from some of the athletes who have sacrificed so much for so many years, being away from friends and family for great lengths, denying themselves many indulgences others partake of freely, in order to keep their minds and bodies at the absolute peak of physical conditioning. Sure, athletes may be upset at having taken from them what they feel they have earned and is rightfully theirs, especially when they see the medals go to a bunch of politicians and bureaucrats.
But if they had even a fraction of the wisdom that has graced our glorious, omniscient, omnipotent Dear Leader, they would know ... they didn't earn that; someone else earned that for them.
Louis DeBroux is a Taylorsville resident, married, with eight children. He is chairman of the Bartow County Republican Party. He owns Gatekeeper data backup and recovery. He can be emailed at email@example.com.